Although I've been a Mom for well over two years now, I feel like a hard-core Mom today. That primal 'protect your babies' instinct was in full effect, and I must say, it felt pretty damned good.
The situation was that my mother may or may not be coming to mind the boys for a period of time this spring while Baby Daddy and I go on a much-needed US ONLY trip. Two weeks ago, my Mum excitedly told me that my stepfather would be coming with her and that he could help cut some trees down on our property and help with the boys. As a side-note, my stepfather and I have had a very rocky past. I was a typical teenage girl, but he was both emotionally and physically abusive towards me from the ages of 12 through to 17 (when I moved out and took refuge with my then-best friend and her family). He was also a raging alcoholic and was raised in a house where physical abuse was the norm. I truly believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and along with that, I have never let my past define me. In my 20s, I confronted him and told him I'd forgiven him for his actions towards me, and I've been cordial with him since. Five years ago, there was another incident where I'd visited my Mum and slept at her home one evening, only to wake in the middle of the night to find my stepfather stroking my face and saying he was just enjoying watching me sleep. I then refused to ever sleep there again, and then realized that he had not changed at all. Since then, all of the alcohol has taken its toll on his body. Less than 1% of his liver is functional, his mid-section is completely distended and he is on a strict diet to ensure he doesn't die. He has told my Mum that he feels bad about how he treated me and wanted to be very involved in my life. Like I said, I've kept things cordial. I feel bad he's dying, but I also believe that karma can be one wicked bitch to those who are most deserving. Back to now. I have been anxiety-ridden and not sure how to tell my Mum that he's not welcome here while we are away and where he would have full, unsupervised access to my precious babies. So, I told her exactly that. I said that I was sorry if what I was about to say hurt her, but that my children come first above anything or anyone else, and that protecting them was my priority. I also told her one of my favourite Maya Angelou quotes, "Believe people when they show you who they are...the first time." I said that I did not trust that he'd changed and that I would cancel my trip should he decide to come. Mum said she "gets it" but doesn't agree because she has seen the change in him. I told her that I understood if she no longer wanted to come out, or if my feelings caused a rift between us, and that I was willing to risk that for the safety of my children. She truly did not understand why I felt this way. I tried to explain, but to no avail. Things are fine (I think) between us, but I know she's sad. Which, in turn, makes me sad.
One thing I know or sure is that if my teenage self and my 34-year-old self met, and I said that he was coming to watch the kids while I was gone, my teen self would kick my older-self's ass - big time. Seriously, though, I spent hours, days, weeks during my teenage years planning how I could escape from his house, vowing to never let him (or my Mum) have access to me as an adult or any of my children. I've read and re-read journal entries from that time period, and it is heart-breaking. To allow him that kind of access would ...well, I'm not even going to go there because I've made my wishes clear. I can hear my teen self right now cheering me on, and I am so proud!
